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12 March 2003 @ 12:56 am
Now you know - and the complexity of subsequent battles will be reduced by a rational number.  
If you ever start smoking, and need to quit, and start quitting, don't try to a) reform another habit; b) deal with a preferred member of the preferred sex at the same time. Neither/None will work. Breaking a habit is a constant exertion of mental energy, like how Mom explained what being pregnant was like.

Your life is not as simple as picking a goddamn wall-following algorithm. When you look back on your life, and see a single moment in time, and think your life would be better because of that one moment, you're lying to yourself, and it's time to face the fucking music, admit it, and get on with your fucking life. You have zero conception of visualizing how the decision tree of your life would re-grow and re-branch over time, and if you think you do, again with the lying.

When I delete something, it's because it has lost all value to me. And if you can't remember what it was, it didn't matter.

When you look back on your life, and see a large summation of uniquely similar events that, had they been individually corrected at the time (but weren't), could possibly have changed your current situation in life, that's called learning.

When you realize that the series of small events in question was the world-view you helped to shape for your brothers in the face of a father who was rarely there, that's called a moment of clarified regret.

When you tell me you're a shitty friend because you never get in touch with me, I start to believe it. The effect of this lesson on its related belief will be multiplied by its relevance to people you care deeply for.

When I try to get in touch with you and you have no time for me, I will understand.

When you've heard that I've been in some tough shit lately, and you don't offer me any [em|sym]pathy (see above), the worst time to let me know you cared back then is when I'm offering you [em|sym]pathy. That's called negative reinforcement.

Right now, I do not have a nigh infinite amount of friendship/love/care/tears welling out of me - I have about five cases of single-serve, pre-packaged "self-loathing and despair with sarcasm packets" on hand. The recent emotional recession has increased the price of genuine positive emotion to a level beyond what the market will bear.

I am honest with you because I think you deserve nothing less than the truth, or at least my version of it. If you look at my honesty and see weakness and emotional incontinence, a) Consider how often somebody lets you into what they're really feeling, and come to a conscious decision about whether it is truly better to hide your feelings inside (where they will fester and boil), or release them into the world one at a time; b) Count how many times you have an asymptotic knowledge that somebody has willfully lied to you in the past week, month, and year. Now multiply that number by a scalar of your choice, to adjust for the number of lies you will never know were lies. Now count your blessings; c) I see a painful evolution of your character at the hands of the real world in your future.


Now, the night holds no more words.