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22 December 2002 @ 05:28 am
Baseless, Unmotivated Bitching  
So, now that I finally have some time to myself, I don't want to be alone. I don't want everybody to leave - I don't want them to have left. I'm still waiting for there to be somebody, but that somebody is never going to come. Right now, I feel very, very alone.

These past two weeks was really just me working on whatever I could, as fast as I could. I didn't see people, and I really don't want anybody to take offense. That's just how it goes sometimes. I miss y'all - and maybe, when this is all over, we'll look back on all of this and laugh.

I saw The Two Towers last night - and, for what it's worth, I thought it much better than FotR. Ents, Gandalf the White, Helm's Deep, and Elrond and Arwen. In the lab on Thursday, I was at my geekiest when somebody was looking at a webpage and asked, "Is this Arabic?", and I said, "No, I think it's Sildarin Tengwar." Elvish is bad-fucking-ass.



I hate to sound selfish, but I give to people all the time, and I'm lucky if I get a small thank-you in return. I'm sure that many people feel the same. But it's not just favors, computer help, gifts of time or concern or whatnot - it's affection. I don't think anybody should care for me, again - this is a trend that I don't want to see continuing. This is documentation, for introspective reasons. Even if it's not worth reading whole.

I'm going home in a few hours - and I still have lots to do for school. A whole month's work on the capstone - papers that aren't due til the 27th. My own personal Minotaurs.

There is nothing about me (that I can change) that will change the fact that by the time most women could be interested in me, they only want me as a friend. I'm not good-looking, or charming, or romantic. So fuck that. It's time to be a bitter old man, circa mid-twenties. I hate myself, and I want to die. Let's just say it'll be a blue Christmas, regardless.

I took down my web page - I'll be losing the space very soon, so I demolished it prematurely. I'll probably end up setting up Apache (or something) on my box when I get back to St Paul. So keep in mind that nlindgren AT macalester DOT edu(cation) is no longer a valid e-mail address - you'll have to start sending through the regular e-mail channels. Also, just a reminder that my IM information is in my profile.

I think I'm gonna take my computer home with me - and then I won't get back to St Paul til the 28th - still a few days with a working Linux box, which really isn't so bad.