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25 November 2002 @ 02:52 am
This is me hating my life -  
Do two anxiety attacks and a spiritual crisis warrant an extension? Probably not. I just wish I'd done something other than Real Analysis.

It's about this time that I realize that the pieces don't fall into place, the understanding won't come when you need to make that extra half-mile, and my brain is a useless hunk of slime. There's just too much work - and not enough time.

I spent two.5 hours tonight working on a project due for Real next week, because my partner won't be here over break to work on it. So I lost some more time for the take-home. I don't think I've ever been more intimidated by a class in my entire life. As in "paralyzed by fear of being wrong." Fucking a - I just need to suck it up, take a nap, and get back on the horse. Who am I kidding - this horse has been dead for a long time.

I hate myself for not working on this more beforehand - although I doubt it would have helped much.
atelierlune on November 25th, 2002 08:15 am (UTC)
::insert many words of encouragement and fellowship it may or may not be too late to express here::
Josiah Carlson: chouyuchouyu_31 on November 25th, 2002 09:22 am (UTC)
You asked before:
"what keeps you from killing yourself and ending the torment of life on earth when you aren't anything more than an assemblage of protein and electricity?"
but disabled comments. I'll give you my answer.

To put it simply, greed keeps me here. There are so many things I know I haven't gotten the chance to experience, so many that I have experienced and want to experience again. By not ending my life daily, I get another opportunity to enjoy those things for me. Who knows, maybe today I'll experience something I've never experienced before.

I suppose there is also a matter of pride. I know that the outward view on me is that I could give a shit what people think, and on the most part, that is true. However, there are those people who'se opinions matter. My immediate family, a few extended relatives, my best friend's family, Annie, a dozen or so friends at Macalester, and 5 or so friends in Phoenix. I've not let any of them down so far, and I sure as hell am not going to let them down in the future. I also refuse to hurt them because they are also those that I care about the most, ending everything would hurt them more than anything else I could do. So many people are 'pitied' after suicide, and one thing I can't stand is being pitied. It reduces the pitied person to being less than the pitiers, and I have never been less than anyone else, see me as an equal or don't see me at all.

I know I already mentioned it, but my family and friends also keep me here. I mentioned because I didn't want to let them down before, but I also want to experience them again. I enjoy spending time with them, by tossing life out the window, I can't say whether or not I would ever experience them again. Sure, there's the possibility of an afterlife, that keeps billions of people sane every day, but what keeps me sane is the desire to be with those I care about again.

People die, that's the way of things. We get our allotment of life, and by not taking full advantage in our allotment, it's like saying "I don't want any more liver and onions...no more rotten eggs...but also...no more ice cream...no more cake...no more cookies". If we focus on the bad, the lesser parts of life, we're lost. If we focus on the good...life is good.

You don't need to suck it up, you're not in the army. My father has said to me many times, "Keep your eye on the prize son, remember what you are working for." What is your prize? Why are you working? Remember that when you feel yourself overburdoned, brain fried, down. If it can't bring you up, you need a new prize. You're not sucking it up, you're remembering those things that are important to you, that have more rewards than the trials you must endure. Know what you want and go get it.

I don't know if this makes sense to you, as many of the thoughts are semi-disconnected, but I hope it makes sense.