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22 November 2002 @ 03:04 am
It's happening again-  
the tightness, the rapid breathing, the sensation of being pressed downwards from above. I can't live my life like this. I need answers. Human beings have a fundamental desire to be right - and right now, I've been reading The Meme Machine, and I'm more or less done with reading it. I don't know what to believe anymore. I want to believe that I have a self - that I am more than a bunch of neurons who create an illusion of a self - that there is a reason for me being here. I want to know that - I should say, I want to believe that. I don't have much to go on with in this world - I can't imagine a world without meaning, without truth, without actual intelligence. I want there to be free will. I don't want to be a robot. I don't want to be merely the sum of my experiences. I want there to be something unique about myself - I want to have a soul. I don't know what I believe anymore - all over again.

Most importantly - what keeps you from killing yourself and ending the torment of life on earth when you aren't anything more than an assemblage of protein and electricity?

This is like a living hell - a realization of nothing, that none of this exists, nothing is real, and nothing matters. It is not liberating - it is absolutely terrifying. And there are no hard and fast answers. This is what my torment for the last few weeks has been. This is why when people ask me "How are you doing?" I say - "fine." I don't say - "struggling to come to grips with the idea that I may not be a unique personality with free will, lacking any sense of self, creativity, intelligence, or purpose."

Everything's changing - everything's deteriorating - everything's falling apart.