I was confronted with the unknowable this morning. This morning, I was paralyzed with fear. Fear about the afterlife, the existence of God, the reasoning behind the nature of our very being. My chest was tightened up, and my heart was racing, and all I could think to myself was "I want so much to believe." I wanted to cry, and no tears came. My upper body was just heavy. I called mom, and just listening to her talk me down was enough for a while. Then it started to come back, just bit by bit, in each of my classes today.
My mom thinks it was a panic attack. I think it's a crisis of faith. But who knows which one (or both) is right?
I realize that there are a lot of different religious views in the world - and that most people don't share mine. Trying to reconcile the disparate thoughts in my head has brought me to this. And right now, it's all I can do to just be. Meditation training, don't fail me now . . .