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06 November 2002 @ 02:58 pm
I was confronted with the unknowable this morning. This morning, I was paralyzed with fear. Fear about the afterlife, the existence of God, the reasoning behind the nature of our very being. My chest was tightened up, and my heart was racing, and all I could think to myself was "I want so much to believe." I wanted to cry, and no tears came. My upper body was just heavy. I called mom, and just listening to her talk me down was enough for a while. Then it started to come back, just bit by bit, in each of my classes today.

My mom thinks it was a panic attack. I think it's a crisis of faith. But who knows which one (or both) is right?

I realize that there are a lot of different religious views in the world - and that most people don't share mine. Trying to reconcile the disparate thoughts in my head has brought me to this. And right now, it's all I can do to just be. Meditation training, don't fail me now . . .
la femme stygian: autoosculationgunn on November 6th, 2002 01:33 pm (UTC)
Pst. What are you up to tonight?
Abra SWcloudscudding on November 6th, 2002 02:16 pm (UTC)
Panic attack...faith crisis...pretty similar.
atelierlune on November 6th, 2002 06:39 pm (UTC)

Thank goodness for parents.
lyght on November 11th, 2002 11:56 am (UTC)
As a fundie turned, um, Something Else, I definitely go through that every so often. The interesting part is that I went through it *more* often while I was a fundie than I do now. Could have something to do with fire-and-brimstone gods though.

I highly recommend trying to stare it down at some point. The results are quite interesting. I *don't* recommend trying to stare it down every single time. It's ok to hide your head in the sand too.
Hoc Est Qui Sumusdiscoflamingo on November 11th, 2002 02:50 pm (UTC)
Little out of it, but I'll respond:
Oh, did I stare it down. It got me for my pride, that's for certain. Humans taking on death as humans, humans lose every time.

I've been reading a book lately called Putting on the Mind of Christ. It is a consciousness-based, pluralistic examination of the New and Old testaments. If you're familiar with Ken Wilber, it's very similar to most of his work. It's mostly about expanding consciousness, and finding the element of the divine within. It's complicated, but I would recommend looking it up, since it seems like you could probably understand most of the imagery it uses.

Doc, over and out.