Hoc Est Qui Sumus (discoflamingo) wrote,
Hoc Est Qui Sumus

I had a breakthrough today. What some alcoholics refer to as "a moment of clarity." When you realize something that you've been doing wrong, for so long, which you couldn't stop doing, but you never knew why. I think I know why.

When I was in high school, I would always walk away. Dances, friend's gatherings - people would get really worried. When people got close, I pushed away. I pushed harder, and harder, until they left me alone. They hated me for it. They were right to - it was selfish and unreasonable. That's neurosis - re-making the world in your own image, because your perceived reality of the world is too much to take. It is a righteous arrogance. I couldn't envision a world in which people actually cared about me. So I made myself a world where people never knew me enough to care about me to any great depth, (or only with extended effort) or I offended them enough to stay at arms' length.

People never get close to me, because I never let people get close. I don't really know how to let them, and I wasn't ready to admit that I knew nothing about something so fundamental to being human. (The idea that I should be perfect is a big factor in all of this) I'm ready to be not perfect. I'm ready to learn.

That's all I have to say about that, for now.

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