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09 October 2002 @ 03:37 am
I had a breakthrough today. What some alcoholics refer to as "a moment of clarity." When you realize something that you've been doing wrong, for so long, which you couldn't stop doing, but you never knew why. I think I know why.

When I was in high school, I would always walk away. Dances, friend's gatherings - people would get really worried. When people got close, I pushed away. I pushed harder, and harder, until they left me alone. They hated me for it. They were right to - it was selfish and unreasonable. That's neurosis - re-making the world in your own image, because your perceived reality of the world is too much to take. It is a righteous arrogance. I couldn't envision a world in which people actually cared about me. So I made myself a world where people never knew me enough to care about me to any great depth, (or only with extended effort) or I offended them enough to stay at arms' length.

People never get close to me, because I never let people get close. I don't really know how to let them, and I wasn't ready to admit that I knew nothing about something so fundamental to being human. (The idea that I should be perfect is a big factor in all of this) I'm ready to be not perfect. I'm ready to learn.

That's all I have to say about that, for now.
masui on October 9th, 2002 02:14 am (UTC)
by jove i think he's on to something

hence leaving tea.
Do You Wanna Be Free or You Wanna Be Right?malcubed on October 9th, 2002 03:58 am (UTC)
I think you're actually just an Iraqi sleeper agent planted in the United States long ago by Saddam Hussein as a last-minute contingency plan. You never let anyone get close because somewhere deep in your psyche is a voice saying, "Don't get close to them. Just kill them. Kill for Jesus! We mean, Allah! No wait--Saddam!"
atelierlune on October 9th, 2002 07:46 am (UTC)
My father calls that "grace".

Don't forget to write, ne.
(Deleted comment)
Hoc Est Qui Sumusdiscoflamingo on October 9th, 2002 12:25 pm (UTC)
Silly cults are encouraged.

And yes, I have, perchance, screamed that at the top of my lungs. A couple of times. Dad never remarked on it, period.

Jon asked for Prometheus Rising back from me, so I didn't finish it.
Do You Wanna Be Free or You Wanna Be Right?malcubed on October 9th, 2002 02:38 pm (UTC)
If silly cults are encouraged, then I'm joining MOVE.

Just call me Malaclypse T. Africa.
Jennyguipago on October 9th, 2002 02:20 pm (UTC)
You go Doc...
You do what you need to do to straighten yourself out.(Not that you're too twisted :)) Others will always be here for you because we like you. Knowing who you are inside yourself is different than knowing who you are outside yourself. It takes longer and sometimes involves being more truthful with yourself than you're sometimes really comfortable being.

You've got guts, Doc, I'll give you that (and a cake when I get some, cause cake is good :))

Just one other thing to ponder. Even when you push other people away, some of them are so stubborn they get through anyway and learn about you. Usually those are the people that are worthwhile (not trying to say that the others suck, mind you, because they don't) because they won't give up even when you think you want them too.


I think you rock! :)

XCorvisxcorvis on October 9th, 2002 03:24 pm (UTC)
Boat Drinks, Doc.
Hoc Est Qui Sumusdiscoflamingo on October 10th, 2002 10:39 am (UTC)
Boat Drinks.
uuintermutedrchase on October 11th, 2002 09:14 pm (UTC)
I always know that I do all those things wrong, too. I'm exactly the same way. I still can't get over it though. I try but fail...