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08 October 2002 @ 03:41 pm
In response to whatever hellstorm I didn't think I'd start  
I am not a martyr. I am not your burden to bear. I don't want you to say anything. There isn't a magic word - a wave of a magic wand. That's not what this was supposed to be about.

I am too dangerous with words. I don't think things through.

I'm going to tea tonight. Not because other people want me to, but because I miss people. Hopefully, I'll see people there. Hopefully, given my current rate of pissing everyone off, people won't maul me at the door. But regardless, mauling or no, I'm there.

Yes - I am insecure, spineless, and an apathetic whiner about how little people make an effort to get in touch with me. I am deaf to the inquiries people make to get together. I am a hypocrite, because I don't make the same requests I think that my mind-reading friends would make, because they aren't mind readers. Don't think that I'm stupid, that I don't know that this evil, hellish fantasy I've envisioned for myself isn't the real world - I know it all too well. And as far as I can tell, I am not alone in this - I am not the only one sending last-ditch missives into the ether, hoping for somebody to latch on.

There is a natural tendency for people who rarely see each other to drift apart. How much have you thought about that lately? When was the last time you told that person that you cared? You always hurt the ones you love. That's life - and if, for one moment, I made you remember all the people you used to think were special, the people held back by geography or personality, the people who want so much to get in touch with you and are petrified that you won't care, GOOD. Because they're thinking about you, whether you want them to be, or not.

I have my own problems - and they're mine, and I'm not tending a little garden of self-loathing, I'm trying to work past the artificial world that is neuroses. If you don't like how I'm doing it - FINE. Maybe you have somebody you feel comfortable pouring this out to - maybe you have a more "appropriate" place to vent your frustrations. I don't. Not anymore - maybe I never did.

If you realize that you have less in common with people than you used to; if you realize that some people perpetually rub you the wrong way; if it just isn't worth the effort anymore; if I/they make you feel like a horrible person- If you re-evaluate their place in your life, and make a decision, is that better or worse than letting your life be ruled by the spare moments of the day that pass you by, the vagaries of empty thoughts, and the intentions that you rue for never going through with them? You don't have to tell me- that isn't what this is about.

This was never about me - for the most part, this was a reminder to myself of everyone I leave behind, every day. And how I have to change that. There's nothing more for me to say, except that -

If I hurt your feelings, I'm sorry. Because I really am.
Hoc Est Qui Sumusdiscoflamingo on October 8th, 2002 01:46 pm (UTC)
I have to get Real done, because it's already late. I'll start responding as best as I can when the deadline for the late homework is past. I wish I could spend enough time on this, but I can't right now.
(Anonymous) on October 8th, 2002 02:17 pm (UTC)
I'm not coming to tea tonight, Doc. I've spread myself too thin, I had too many people I considered friends and somehow some of them stopped considering me a friend. I didn't think I'd gone that far away. I can't deal with people anymore. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you.
(Anonymous) on October 9th, 2002 12:17 am (UTC)
Miss gunn, come back, please.
I know I'm not up there. Believe me when I say that I would very much like to spend quite a long time just chilling with people...doing the round-robin thing...making a career of hanging out with friends, acquaintences that really should be friends, and making new ones. There are just so many really fucking cool people up around MAC.

But I'm not.

And when I was actually there, visiting for a week, all I did was watch anime in Annie's room and occasionally talk to random people. I did get to tea for an evening, and seeing you there was great. It's been too damn long.

I don't get many opportunities to hear about what is going on with everyone, and I only just started to have time to just to lurk and reply on occasion.

Please come back so that I can at least do some more lurking to know what is going on with you.

- Josiah
(Anonymous) on October 9th, 2002 07:08 am (UTC)
I still have e-mail. No more of this stuff. I was coming back from being entirely guarded, coming back from an entirely sad relationship, pulling out of a social crowd that left me bitter and jaded and heartless, I was planning all sorts of mischief and other stupid me bullshit to strengthen bonds, I was dealing quietly with people from other spheres who had accused me more directly of being a bad friend, and I thought that I was doing well. I was too late- I thought we were the sort of people who waited for one another. I apologize for doing this sort of thing in someone else's journal. No more of this confusion and public accusation- I apologize again- it's hard.
Abra SWcloudscudding on October 8th, 2002 02:44 pm (UTC)
People have many options in life; I don't want you to say anything is not among them. (Unless you're at a kinky bondage party, in which case generally handsignals apply)

If I hurt your feelings

If part of this is directed at me...don't worry about it. Slightly bruised, perhaps...I make a habit of bumping into things in the dark, so I've always got plenty of bruises. They go away. No permanent damage done. And if I hurt your feelings, I didn't mean to and I'm sorry. Kind of hoping for a painless kick-in-the-ass (until Bill Hicks took over), but then they rarely are. You caught me on a bad day.

...sigh. Why don't people come with a manual?

See you on Thursday if not before.
masui on October 8th, 2002 03:09 pm (UTC)
doc, i have some useful (?) things that I have concluded after our discussion last night. I want to talk to you about them sometime.

masui on October 8th, 2002 03:42 pm (UTC)
oh, and on a side note? don't you even dare to take responsibility for this debaucle, or even assume it has ANYTHING to do with you. it's just a shame it happened in your space.
Do You Wanna Be Free or You Wanna Be Right?malcubed on October 8th, 2002 05:04 pm (UTC)
Won't somebody please think of the children?
chesh on October 8th, 2002 05:34 pm (UTC)
Hey Doc!
I love you!
OK, not in that sticky and slightly awkward way, as I already love two other people that way, and that's just too much complication for this chica, but yeah.
It makes me happy to be around you -- because you're cool and shit.
Oh, and smart, don't forget the major smartness.
And charm. I think.

But yeah. You're neat. I wish that I had more time to spend with you, but yeah, graduating is good.

Oh, and is it safe to give you bear hugs yet?