Hoc Est Qui Sumus (discoflamingo) wrote,
Hoc Est Qui Sumus

In response to whatever hellstorm I didn't think I'd start

I am not a martyr. I am not your burden to bear. I don't want you to say anything. There isn't a magic word - a wave of a magic wand. That's not what this was supposed to be about.

I am too dangerous with words. I don't think things through.

I'm going to tea tonight. Not because other people want me to, but because I miss people. Hopefully, I'll see people there. Hopefully, given my current rate of pissing everyone off, people won't maul me at the door. But regardless, mauling or no, I'm there.

Yes - I am insecure, spineless, and an apathetic whiner about how little people make an effort to get in touch with me. I am deaf to the inquiries people make to get together. I am a hypocrite, because I don't make the same requests I think that my mind-reading friends would make, because they aren't mind readers. Don't think that I'm stupid, that I don't know that this evil, hellish fantasy I've envisioned for myself isn't the real world - I know it all too well. And as far as I can tell, I am not alone in this - I am not the only one sending last-ditch missives into the ether, hoping for somebody to latch on.

There is a natural tendency for people who rarely see each other to drift apart. How much have you thought about that lately? When was the last time you told that person that you cared? You always hurt the ones you love. That's life - and if, for one moment, I made you remember all the people you used to think were special, the people held back by geography or personality, the people who want so much to get in touch with you and are petrified that you won't care, GOOD. Because they're thinking about you, whether you want them to be, or not.

I have my own problems - and they're mine, and I'm not tending a little garden of self-loathing, I'm trying to work past the artificial world that is neuroses. If you don't like how I'm doing it - FINE. Maybe you have somebody you feel comfortable pouring this out to - maybe you have a more "appropriate" place to vent your frustrations. I don't. Not anymore - maybe I never did.

If you realize that you have less in common with people than you used to; if you realize that some people perpetually rub you the wrong way; if it just isn't worth the effort anymore; if I/they make you feel like a horrible person- If you re-evaluate their place in your life, and make a decision, is that better or worse than letting your life be ruled by the spare moments of the day that pass you by, the vagaries of empty thoughts, and the intentions that you rue for never going through with them? You don't have to tell me- that isn't what this is about.

This was never about me - for the most part, this was a reminder to myself of everyone I leave behind, every day. And how I have to change that. There's nothing more for me to say, except that -

If I hurt your feelings, I'm sorry. Because I really am.

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