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20 September 2002 @ 11:57 am
In which Doc Curses his Romanticism  
I'm leaving today for my cousin's wedding in Eau Claire. (which I believe is French for "we want to think we're as cool as the Twin Cities but less ethnically diverse [apologies to calypsomatic and drowdancer]) The wedding wouldn't be so bad, if it didn't remind me so very much that I have so little to look forward to after graduation. As a household, (and this is no secret) my cousin and her new husband will be raking it in hand over fist; they have bought a town house, they each have a new car, and in some twisted sense of karmic fate, I suppose they deserve each other. Other than the house, they have no debt whatsoever.

I like to think that money isn't important to me, but my current level of debt coupled with my projected inability to find a well-paying job in the current economy coupled with my current lack of self-worth instills a quiet fear about life after Macalester. I used to think that I had a fighting spirit, and a passion for carving out my own place in the world, but that seems faded almost into oblivion, for a large number of reasons.

Also, I'm missing the premiere of Really Decadent Guys because my family will expect me to stay after the wedding until the wee hours of Saturday night.

I am, so very much, not looking forward to this. Damn my Romantic tendencies to Hell - they have caused me nothing but pain and sorrow. At the same time, I don't want to be a Cynic, or a Realist - I want to be the person who can still believe. I don't know how much of that I have left.