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08 May 2002 @ 04:51 am
Emm Gryner and my Dad, Sleepy Rain, Counting Things (in no particular order)  
It's dark and rainy outside, as the Tormented wend their way from Semester to Finals. By this time tomorrow, I will be passed out in my room, sleeping the learning off. Not learning, but pure raging bile at the shittiest math class ever.



Combinatorics is a beautiful subject - how we count things, how many ways to do things. It's deep math, the kind you don't usually talk about. It's also the Igor of graph theory, topology, and algebra. Calling it the Igor is more appropriate than calling it the bitch, but you get the idea. The teacher uses it exclusively for graph theory, so about half the class, who have no problems with graph theory in principle, but like algebra more, got the shaft. She's also not that good with late work - she sees no excuse, no extenuating circumstance. I don't give a good goddamn about a class that hsa no respect for the interests of its students, especially when she has a vested interest in me in principal at least, since I'm one of her damn capstone students. In general, most people have been cool about what happened since the accident in a "well, he's fucked up, so don't give him a hard time" kind of way, and it pisses me off. With the court case not set for finality until December, I don't see mental energy coming back to me in waves anytime soon. When you almost lose your whole family (and yourself) in one go out of the blue . . . well, shit. Not much I can say about that. Not for a while, anyway.

Slivey's sleeping on my bed right now. Partly because he's tired, mostly because he's la-a-a-a-azy, and doesn't want to walk to Japan house to sleep. This is the third time this week that he has come over to pull an all-nighter, and then doesn't, because he knows he needs sleep. Maybe he's got it right. Maybe not. I can't blame him.

I think rain makes me introspective. I think about wanting to become a Quaker, a Zen monk, and a Taoist Pooh all rolled up into one. Rain reminds me of pain, how we avoid it, how we shelter ourselves from it. Rain has never hurt anyone directly, but it has destroyed lives by its accumulation without a proper conduit to run it away. Mu.

Some random cuttings of my favorite lyrics from Emm Gryner, my dad's obsession since he found her on mp3.com. My mom thinks it's just because she's a babe. I think it goes deeper than that. Read on, gentle reader, and while you're at it, by Public. It's amazing music, even if it isn't industrial ;)

Someone's screaming at me from the kitchen
Saying close your eyes and shut your mind
Well girls this is what you get for good behaviour
You'll get a rope around your legs and two or three new names . . .

Did I die with the daisies
Did I go with the wind
Did I did I burden you with this . . .

You left a good drug on my tongue
And I know and I know and I know
I should write about the dizziness
'Cause I can't talk to the constellation
Like I want and I want yeah I want
'Cause I know too well what's good for me . . .

I made the digger dig a little deeper
'Cause I can't believe it died . . .

On the wisdom bus heading into town
I'll pay the fare to be a believer
I've rode imagination straight into the ground
And I gotta know what I gotta know by now . . .

I want to burn the letters that I wrote you
Over the phone today it felt like you were fading
Losing interest and ready to leave
Here I am thinking you were sent to save me . . .

Was I not your sort of human being
Was I not your kind of creature
Tell me how unworthy I seemed when you got thinking about it . . .


 
 
Current Music: Emm Gryner - The End
 
 
 
Moxie Crimefighter: iriadrowdancer on May 8th, 2002 08:33 am (UTC)
"is it just that sombre weather lets the soul be sombre and none of the light of day shines in on its solitary reflection? a cool wind heavy with rain soothes more than sleep but less than tears."
XCorvisxcorvis on May 10th, 2002 02:27 pm (UTC)
Not long before you wrote this I was sitting on my bed, reading, thinking how peaceful the rain sounded on the roof.

It's not that it's shitty outside, it's that it's shitty outside and you are inside. Silver linings and whatnot...