August 2nd, 2003

Wonderfalls Flamingos

Copied from the hard-back journal I have

I keep telling myself that I am an intelligent, caring person with marvellous ideas in an uncaring world. I realize that I have very little to show for what I believe I am capable of - few captive ideas to parade before the non-believers, so to speak. Still irks me, I guess - that [I had become this totally-centered Zen Master and nobody noticed]. This means I have to do something instead of just telling myself what I will do when the capstone's done, when I have the settlement money, when somebody loves me.

These things mean little in a long view of my life - "it won't mean a thing in 100 years" - but then I wonder how long I have. "Trust in Allah, but tie your camel." (says Turkish Proverb - not so sure) What about people who die at the age of 30? I have to believe their lives are worth something as well. I want to believe in the things I've been reading - the Great Chain of Being, reincarnation, enlightenment, free will - but it's hard. Not because I necessarily believe them to be wrong or right, but because I want them to be right so badly that I doubt my faculties of reason and inner light. I have to accord a reconciliation with my prior beliefs, or a whole-sale breaking away with everything I've come to believe (or most of it). Context and holarchy - wello, that much I can't stop working on yet, since it applies to so much more.

I have a lot of work to do, and writing every day is only a part of it, really. Life Work, by Donald Hall, is now officially on my "everyone must read this book" list.
  • Current Music
    Juno Reactor - Masters of the Universe