April 1st, 2003

Totally Ferret

Red Bull Displaces Unicorn Energy Drink

(ST PAUL, MN) At the Snelling/Portland SuperAmerica, the influx of "King Haggard"-style Red Bull has taken up all the shelf space previously occupied by Unicorn energy drink.

"The Red Bull has passed down this aisle long ago, and covered their can-prints," said Bryan, Assistant Manager.

"Unicorn energy drink is a myth," said Grumpy Old Guy who ID's Everybody.

Maggie, a new customer at SA, was quoted as saying, "Why couldn't I have found this energy drink when I was young? WHY?!?"

"Unicorn energy drink can still be found by those who are pure of heart, although many believe it to be KMX," said Cool Amish Guy. "You know - Watermelon Suck."

King Haggard was unavailable for comment, but his recent press kit has listed Unicorn energy drink as "the only thing that makes me happy."