November 22nd, 2002

Wonderfalls Flamingos

Need [infinitive A], but I've been [participle B] so I must wait [infinitive C]

I guess we all do. Spilled a whole lot of candle wax today. Thanks Masui, again, for the wax remover. Oh yeah - Masui gave me wax remover. Yay me!

I've been fixing up the room in exchange for not nailing the take-home like I really should be. Still have three.5 days to finish it off, I guess. I just want this semester to be over. I need a break from chunks of the worst that life has to offer with the gaps filled-in by brain-pounding work. Yeah - Doc's wearing the pity hat again. Ignore said hat.

Out of curiosity - does anyone who follows Polymer City Chronicles have any fucking clue what's going on? I leave for two months and it goes all meta-theatrical and shit!

The set still hasn't been split or burned - I need to do that, but I need to do other things first. Odd how that makes my set sound like firewood.

Decided on the next video card (and it actually works with Linux!) - the Ati Radeon 7500 All-in-Wonder. It's in my price range, and I can get drivers for tv-in and the GPU. Now I just need to find a printer that works in Linux . . .
  • Current Music
    Poe - Angry Johnny
Wonderfalls Flamingos

It's happening again-

the tightness, the rapid breathing, the sensation of being pressed downwards from above. I can't live my life like this. I need answers. Human beings have a fundamental desire to be right - and right now, I've been reading The Meme Machine, and I'm more or less done with reading it. I don't know what to believe anymore. I want to believe that I have a self - that I am more than a bunch of neurons who create an illusion of a self - that there is a reason for me being here. I want to know that - I should say, I want to believe that. I don't have much to go on with in this world - I can't imagine a world without meaning, without truth, without actual intelligence. I want there to be free will. I don't want to be a robot. I don't want to be merely the sum of my experiences. I want there to be something unique about myself - I want to have a soul. I don't know what I believe anymore - all over again.

Most importantly - what keeps you from killing yourself and ending the torment of life on earth when you aren't anything more than an assemblage of protein and electricity?

This is like a living hell - a realization of nothing, that none of this exists, nothing is real, and nothing matters. It is not liberating - it is absolutely terrifying. And there are no hard and fast answers. This is what my torment for the last few weeks has been. This is why when people ask me "How are you doing?" I say - "fine." I don't say - "struggling to come to grips with the idea that I may not be a unique personality with free will, lacking any sense of self, creativity, intelligence, or purpose."

Everything's changing - everything's deteriorating - everything's falling apart.