Hoc Est Qui Sumus (discoflamingo) wrote,
Hoc Est Qui Sumus

How Not to Blog

As a public service to you, and somewhat in the spirit of Penny Arcade (mostly the swearing), I have compiled a list of things that annoy me when I read them on LiveJournal (or any other blog on the web, to be honest). This list is by no means comprehensive, complete, or even correct.

1. Stuff you ate, and how it made you feel.

Since I don't know any nutritionists in real life, if it didn't make you sick, or it wasn't the absolutely best whatever thing you just ate, why the fuck am I hearing about it? It's food - you ate it, you're digesting it, and you're going to exrete it in a matter of hours. I presume you aren't writing letters home about his turkey sandwich you just had, and you're not calling me up on the phone about it (PS - if you are, I'm hanging the fuck up). If you believe that what you're eating right now is important for to remind yourself of at a future date, or for your readers to know, you have problems. If it's not the first time you ate it, and you're not in a foreign country having to deal with all the time, I don't want to hear it.

2. The following words are no longer acceptable when used in seriousness:

sugoi, kawai(i), and any other Japanese word or phrase that you learned by watching anime. Newsflash - when you constantly repeat the same phrase over and over again, because it's the only one you're comfortable with, and you start using it as an adjective, it annoys the fuck out of me. If you currently (have previously) live(d) in Japan for extensive lengths of time, you will be excused.

yummy, dee-lish, poopy, etc.

What, are we in like 4th grade now? You're a goddamn adult - start talking like one. No, it is NOT cute, endearing, or whatever - it is pathetically and annoyingly regressive.

3. Chatroom and 1337-speak:

If you live for instant messaging every hour of every day, I would like to direct your attention to Article 172 B, Subsection D-11 of the Second Geneva Convention, which explicitly allows me (as a private citizen) to stab you through the eyes over the Internet as many times as I want without legal repercussions on the international level. You are exchanging acronyms with people over the Internet in real-time - LJ gives you substantially more time to develop your response in writing and contribute something meaningful. Meaningful is a word you should get accustomed to - informally, it means "containing or associated with meaning"; formally, "having meaning, function, or purpose"[*].

If you use acronyms that shorten common phrases when writing something super-ass-long, I can dig that. Just remember that nobody says "OMG ROTFLMAO" in real life (*ahem*, IRL) - valrus and I tried that once, and IMNSHO is the only one I liked.

4. Making actions in Writing:

I don't care if you *grin* or ::hugs:: or whatever the fuck it is you're doing, stop for a second and think about this - Nobody winks and grins and hugs and smiles that much in real life. If you did, I'm confident that the jury will stop caring after the part in the story where I say "If you don't fucking knock that shit the fuck off, I can't be held responsible for what I'm about to do to you".

5. Stuff you almost did, thought about for a second, and then didn't do

If this isn't a life-changing moment where your indecision caused massive life change, it isn't worth writing down. If I wrote down all the things I thought about doing, I'd be in jail for a long, long time, and so would you.

6. For Christ's sake, it has a fucking spellchecker built right into the motherfucker, and you should have paid attention to grammar in English class


I rest my case.

This rant was inspired by this post, and the letter R, for Ranting Motherfucker. This rant was produced in the presence of peanut products, and has no nutritional value - it is intended for humor and comedic value only.

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