Hoc Est Qui Sumus (discoflamingo) wrote,
Hoc Est Qui Sumus
discoflamingo

A certain person (who will remain nameless) has lent me a great deal of insight on a number of things - one of which I want to clear up right now.

I'm not angry. I'm frustrated with the hand that life has dealt me, but I'm not angry. I have a tendency to write things down when I'm in an emotional way - and something I read earlier today (coupled with some events this weekend) tripped the self-loathing circuit in my brain. The "why the fuck can't people own up to their own problems?" relay also seems to be a bit twitchy lately.

This is how I get sometimes - I spend a lot of my waking mind thinking about anything and everything. I have quite a few things careening around like drunken circus animals in my brain at any given time - give me a reason to look at it long enough, and I'll latch on to it.

I know I'm not the only person who gets like this - who over-analyzes and plans out a combinatorial explosion of scenario after scenario, and then tries to step back and see the big picture. I've seen the big picture a few times - and it's very, very sad. It's hard to go back to just living, when you've seen as much as that. Sometimes I wish I never had.

Sometimes it's happier - or at least more balanced than "very sad." Sadness comes naturally with certain speciifc triggers - I have maybe a half-dozen of them.
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