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17 November 2003 @ 11:54 pm
 
A certain person (who will remain nameless) has lent me a great deal of insight on a number of things - one of which I want to clear up right now.

I'm not angry. I'm frustrated with the hand that life has dealt me, but I'm not angry. I have a tendency to write things down when I'm in an emotional way - and something I read earlier today (coupled with some events this weekend) tripped the self-loathing circuit in my brain. The "why the fuck can't people own up to their own problems?" relay also seems to be a bit twitchy lately.

This is how I get sometimes - I spend a lot of my waking mind thinking about anything and everything. I have quite a few things careening around like drunken circus animals in my brain at any given time - give me a reason to look at it long enough, and I'll latch on to it.

I know I'm not the only person who gets like this - who over-analyzes and plans out a combinatorial explosion of scenario after scenario, and then tries to step back and see the big picture. I've seen the big picture a few times - and it's very, very sad. It's hard to go back to just living, when you've seen as much as that. Sometimes I wish I never had.

Sometimes it's happier - or at least more balanced than "very sad." Sadness comes naturally with certain speciifc triggers - I have maybe a half-dozen of them.
 
 
 
astcetc snafuwonderlandkat on November 17th, 2003 10:19 pm (UTC)
I find it interesting that you look at the big picture and I look at the small details. Yet the reactions are similar.
Hoc Est Qui Sumus: Hmmm Ninjasdiscoflamingo on November 19th, 2003 02:17 pm (UTC)
I always start at the small details and expand outwards, until my mind is huddled in the corner, crying.
astcetc snafuwonderlandkat on November 19th, 2003 08:29 pm (UTC)
I just stay at the small details. Maybe it's safer that way.
masui on November 17th, 2003 11:05 pm (UTC)
I'd be interested in what you read earlier today.

I do it too, but I think it's healthier to look at the world htourgh your own faults that to concentrate on others'. That way you can avoid an obnoxious "holier than thou" platform.
masui on November 17th, 2003 11:07 pm (UTC)
htourgh = through

that to = than to

My students were watching over my shoulder, marveling at my typing speed, so it made me nervous. Typing in Japanese is very slow. It involves spelling out a word in hiragana, pressing the spacebar, flipping through a scrolling list of possible kanji, pressing enter at the right one and then typing the next word.
It sucks.
atelierlune on November 18th, 2003 06:45 am (UTC)
Drunken circus - that's a good analogy.

You know what they say - men plan, God laughs.

Do you need time alone? Shall we try to discuss technical stuff some other week?

I really hope you're OK, whatever the case. This all makes me vaguely anxious. I don't know what the right word is either. Coping? Regathering? Anyway, if you need something, you have my contact info.