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19 December 2001 @ 07:14 am
Alright Folks- First Post!  

I think it's time we blow this scene . . .
Get everybody and the stuff together.
Okay- 3, 2, 1, Let's Jam.

- Tank! , The Seatbellts

So, I'm going back to the journal thing. I tried it on kuro5hin for a while, and now I'm here. If you know Dharck, she's off doing the LiveJournal thing now, and I settled on /. until I can get my own LiveJournal (logjam et al.) system working.

Basically, I have this odd feeling that nobody will either care what I write, or read what I've written, because I had no frigging idea that this even existed until about 3 days ago. Having read /. religiously since I was a first-year at Mac, you think they would have mentioned it to a few people (they probably did- I do miss it on occasion, and I don't always have the patience to wade through huge piles of troll-crap and religious hell-flame to find the really cool stuff).

So, finals in my senior year, and I'm a three-legged dog in the kennel from hell: Compiler Design (CS62, for those of you following along at home). My problem isn't my inability to understand the material (while it is difficult, it's nothing that 8 hours and 3 Red Bull [It gives you wings - Erik Slivken] can't fix), my problem is my ability to focus on work long enough, or for that matter, even care that much about what I do. Mostly because I see myself as totally screwed anyways.

Seeing as how I wasn't ready for college when I got here, (my high school was too easy in a "they don't challenge anybody with brains until it's too late" kindof way, not an "I'm a friggin genius" kindof way), I had no study skills, and so I'd been cast down to the tenth levele of hell directly to square one before I could even get started [When mixing metaphors, it is important to shake, and not stir]. I didn't discover what I really loved (Computer Science) until my second semester, making playing catch-up a real bitch. Also, I spend most of my free-time making up for missing the good 'ol BBS days of yore, when the Internet was still in its infancy - I am the geek version of that hippie who missed Woodstock and has been making up for it ever since. While fascinated by the flickering images and bright, shiny colors, my grades are DEFINITELY NOT good enough to get me into any graduate program. Seeing as how what I really want to do is teach CS as a living, there goes all that. I've been shafted by Fate (and not anyone personally) on internships, research fellowships, and even menial IT jobs. Geez, I worked at RadioShack this summer- I am the modern-day fanboy in the field of electronics.

But enough "poor little Doc." I'm taking an incomplete in Compilers, and my program for "Math 76- Topics in Modern Algebra" is moving into the fore-front of what I need to be doing. I'm just so sick of being behind the curve, constantly reminded of how Fate (there's that word again) has dealt me a bad hand- not that I should care, but that grad schools will see a whole bunch of W's on my transcript (withdrawals) and flip out- and not know about the gastroenteritis, the car accident, or any of the rest of it- and furthermore, they won't want to deal with somebody as screwed up as me. Damaged goods, and all. That makes looking forward to what I do during the day that much more challenging.

Maybe it will get better- maybe if I blank long enough I can pretend the world works in totally different ways. Hopefully, I'm just too self-absorbed to understand that what I'm seeing right now isn't all there is. If there's one thing that's keeping me going, it's this: Life is a journey, not a destination. I'm too young to think that I've hit the wall, and it only goes down from here.

Well, here's to character generators for the cyclotomic Hecke algebra H(r,n). Cheers.

Ministers fall into Presidents' clothes-
Presidents fall into evil control-
This is the hole I put my faith in?
What about the Information?

- The Information, Course of Empire