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02 August 2003 @ 01:30 am
Copied from the hard-back journal I have  
I keep telling myself that I am an intelligent, caring person with marvellous ideas in an uncaring world. I realize that I have very little to show for what I believe I am capable of - few captive ideas to parade before the non-believers, so to speak. Still irks me, I guess - that [I had become this totally-centered Zen Master and nobody noticed]. This means I have to do something instead of just telling myself what I will do when the capstone's done, when I have the settlement money, when somebody loves me.

These things mean little in a long view of my life - "it won't mean a thing in 100 years" - but then I wonder how long I have. "Trust in Allah, but tie your camel." (says Turkish Proverb - not so sure) What about people who die at the age of 30? I have to believe their lives are worth something as well. I want to believe in the things I've been reading - the Great Chain of Being, reincarnation, enlightenment, free will - but it's hard. Not because I necessarily believe them to be wrong or right, but because I want them to be right so badly that I doubt my faculties of reason and inner light. I have to accord a reconciliation with my prior beliefs, or a whole-sale breaking away with everything I've come to believe (or most of it). Context and holarchy - wello, that much I can't stop working on yet, since it applies to so much more.

I have a lot of work to do, and writing every day is only a part of it, really. Life Work, by Donald Hall, is now officially on my "everyone must read this book" list.
Current Mood: Sardonic
Current Music: Juno Reactor - Masters of the Universe
atelierlune on August 3rd, 2003 11:45 pm (UTC)
I've heard it expressed, "Trust in God, but lock your car."

What do you mean "when?" The future is now. I believe in you. So either you aren't wrong, or we're both insane.

Doom: Brain!utilitygeek on August 4th, 2003 07:57 am (UTC)
What lives are worth.
It seems to me that you are measuring life by what you will have accomplished. But isn't what you already did worth something?

I'm not saying that we should rest on our laurels. I'm just saying that, in my eyes, if you died tommorrow, your life would have been worth quite a bit. After all, I've learned from you, and that's worth more than most realize.