1. All right. First of all, that username. You use it everywhere, and it doesn't seem to match. You seem like neither a pink-flamingo type tacky person nor a disco-type, um, whatever person. So what's that about? If you're feeling particularly generous, you can explain the "13" you sometimes add.
This is a bit convoluted, but I knew somebody was going to ask me, so here goes:
When I was in high school, I was flipping through an old dictionary, and I looked up the world disco - I figured it had to mean something, right? According to this dictionary (which has not, in any way, been confirmed by any other dictionaries) the word "disco-" is a prefix that can be used to mean "a combination of several forms". So - its integrative and holistic. What's not to like about that? I needed an animal, though - this was something just in my head at the time. I chose the flamingo because it is:
1. Very non-threatening - if you know about a single flamingo killing a busful of nuns or something, I'd like to hear about it. But like, a flock of them, I could understand that. Nuns can get preachy real quick. Flamingos (gentle Buddha-souls that they are) hate that.
B. Colorful, and, in equal proportions, Graceful and Graceless - if you've met me in person, I think both of these terms apply.
Three. They Can Motherfucking Fly ™. Don't you want to fly?
iv. Flamingos are pink because they eat shrimp - beta carotene makes them pink. It makes us orange, but that rarely comes up. In other words, a flamingo's interaction with its environment is dependent on what it consumes. I think this is an important lesson for us all, in more than an ABC after-school special kind of way. And don't sniff glue.
Fish. I can stand on one leg for a fucking long-ass time. Watch me, sometime. I used to do it in the hallway at school all the time - when we read about it in science, people called me Flamingo for a while.
The 13 is easy to explain - I was born on the 13th of February, and it's my lucky number. People like to give me shit about that - but I explain gently, between gunshots, that 13 can be lucky for me, and maybe 2 is my unlucky number. Although I usually respond that 137 is my unlucky number, since there are lots of things that come in pairs. Anyway, when I was setting up my first e-mail account, email@example.com, I screwed up the application. The name got registered, but I couldn't login. So, I created firstname.lastname@example.org - since it leaves a few people wondering if there are discflamingo[2--12] out there, and what kind of fucked-up cult we live in. Always on their toes, I like to keep them.
And for those spammers who are reading this, neither of those addresses exist anymore, because my longstanding deal for Microsoft to personally suck my dick has yet to be taken up. So, neener. Or something.
2. Computers, yo. You have $5k to spend on a computer and peripherals and stuff. What'll it be? Digital cameras and such are legal.
OH, YOU BASTARD! YOU UNSPEAKABLE BASTARD!
(by which I mean - that's a damn good question, and will reveal interesting facets of my personality to all of the technically-inclined people out there, I'm sure)
To start with - I need a wireless optical mouse, a Happy Hacker keyboard, and a bad-ass video card capable of doing dual-screen - then I get the LCD and the CRT monitors (hehehe . . .). I'd probably keep the speakers I have now (sorry - they're good enough for what I do). I'd probably try to get a Glass Mockingbird soundcard (or whatever those things are - I had to find a pro soundcard for Uriah once, and it looks seriously cool). Dual-format DVD-burner. A Wacom graphics tablet (reasonable - not the uber-spiffy one). Two gigs of RAM. Four 120 GB nigh-silent "Captain Ramius" hard drives. Right now, I figure I'm at about $2k if I'm REALLY liberal. So I throw in a Kurzweil keyboard and a reasonable scanner. Figure I'm at about $3500 right now.
You're probably asking yourself, "why is Doc being so general? Surely, he used to click-thru-design computers all the time when he was in college?" Well, that's because I don't know how much a dual-Opteron motherboard's gonna cost, with two Opteron processors - as fast as the budget will let me go.
If there's anything left, I either a) buy more RAM or b) buy a webcam, because I should just give up.
3. While we're talking about technology, you just invented a device. Yep, just now. What does it do? And if you're going to provide an improvised one-liner from the Prior Art-O-Matic, I saw it coming a mile away.
If I had to invent one thing, it would be the "home version" of the device that lets you stab people in the face over the Internet. I think it would probably slap them. Or blow up their monitor - I don't really care. Because I have the only one . . .
And if I was feeling more generous, it would be a gargoyle suit a la Snow Crash. You know who you are.
4. If you could play one musical instrument without having to put in the effort to learn it (or you could have to learn it, whichever), what would it be and why?
The piano - it's a universal musical instrument (well, for us 12-tone folks, anyways). I could do MIDI with it - I could compose with it. I mean, really - what's not to like about the piano?
I can already play the clarinet, triples, quads, bass drum, harmonica, kazoo, bass (not the fish, dork), and guitar. The fuck do you want?
5. Hmm, what shall the last question be? Oh, I have an idea! What are your best qualities, in your opinion? Why?
My abilities to imitate, adapt, memorize, analyze, and interpret. I think of myself as an almost entirely a cerebral person - I like to say that I have a "rich interior life" which few people seem interested in, but I enjoy my own little world. I never stopped playing pretend, from when I was a kid.
I'm also told that I say funny things sometimes - I think that's important, since
I'm not particularly good at looking at myself and thinking of what my best qualities are - if that's a good quality to have in a person, I wouldn't know.
I took the car in today - and after my not sleeping much last night, I'll probably be in bed rather early tonight. I miss people, and wish I could see them - but I've been playing the damage control game so much lately that it will most likely have to wait. I don't like the waiting. Well, off to write y'all your questions.