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28 January 2004 @ 12:47 pm
How Not to Blog  
As a public service to you, and somewhat in the spirit of Penny Arcade (mostly the swearing), I have compiled a list of things that annoy me when I read them on LiveJournal (or any other blog on the web, to be honest). This list is by no means comprehensive, complete, or even correct.

1. Stuff you ate, and how it made you feel.

Since I don't know any nutritionists in real life, if it didn't make you sick, or it wasn't the absolutely best whatever thing you just ate, why the fuck am I hearing about it? It's food - you ate it, you're digesting it, and you're going to exrete it in a matter of hours. I presume you aren't writing letters home about his turkey sandwich you just had, and you're not calling me up on the phone about it (PS - if you are, I'm hanging the fuck up). If you believe that what you're eating right now is important for to remind yourself of at a future date, or for your readers to know, you have problems. If it's not the first time you ate it, and you're not in a foreign country having to deal with all the time, I don't want to hear it.

2. The following words are no longer acceptable when used in seriousness:

sugoi, kawai(i), and any other Japanese word or phrase that you learned by watching anime. Newsflash - when you constantly repeat the same phrase over and over again, because it's the only one you're comfortable with, and you start using it as an adjective, it annoys the fuck out of me. If you currently (have previously) live(d) in Japan for extensive lengths of time, you will be excused.

yummy, dee-lish, poopy, etc.

What, are we in like 4th grade now? You're a goddamn adult - start talking like one. No, it is NOT cute, endearing, or whatever - it is pathetically and annoyingly regressive.

3. Chatroom and 1337-speak:

If you live for instant messaging every hour of every day, I would like to direct your attention to Article 172 B, Subsection D-11 of the Second Geneva Convention, which explicitly allows me (as a private citizen) to stab you through the eyes over the Internet as many times as I want without legal repercussions on the international level. You are exchanging acronyms with people over the Internet in real-time - LJ gives you substantially more time to develop your response in writing and contribute something meaningful. Meaningful is a word you should get accustomed to - informally, it means "containing or associated with meaning"; formally, "having meaning, function, or purpose"[*].

If you use acronyms that shorten common phrases when writing something super-ass-long, I can dig that. Just remember that nobody says "OMG ROTFLMAO" in real life (*ahem*, IRL) - valrus and I tried that once, and IMNSHO is the only one I liked.

4. Making actions in Writing:

I don't care if you *grin* or ::hugs:: or whatever the fuck it is you're doing, stop for a second and think about this - Nobody winks and grins and hugs and smiles that much in real life. If you did, I'm confident that the jury will stop caring after the part in the story where I say "If you don't fucking knock that shit the fuck off, I can't be held responsible for what I'm about to do to you".

5. Stuff you almost did, thought about for a second, and then didn't do

If this isn't a life-changing moment where your indecision caused massive life change, it isn't worth writing down. If I wrote down all the things I thought about doing, I'd be in jail for a long, long time, and so would you.

6. For Christ's sake, it has a fucking spellchecker built right into the motherfucker, and you should have paid attention to grammar in English class

ENGLISH MOTHERFUCKER - DO YOU SPEAK IT?

I rest my case.


This rant was inspired by this post, and the letter R, for Ranting Motherfucker. This rant was produced in the presence of peanut products, and has no nutritional value - it is intended for humor and comedic value only.
 
 
 
revxaos on January 28th, 2004 11:39 am (UTC)
Ok... so I pondered trying to create a reply that would utilize every single thing you're ranting about.

But I can't lower my intellect that low.

So I'll just go back to my tasty salad. Yummmmmy!

*winks*
Hoc Est Qui Sumusdiscoflamingo on January 28th, 2004 12:01 pm (UTC)
You did come damn close, though.
(no subject) - revxaos on January 28th, 2004 12:15 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - discoflamingo on January 28th, 2004 12:37 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - susanofstohelit on January 28th, 2004 01:54 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - revxaos on January 28th, 2004 03:18 pm (UTC) (Expand)
I see you ALSO have an inner grammar nazi . . . - discoflamingo on January 28th, 2004 03:30 pm (UTC) (Expand)
elfdope on January 28th, 2004 12:08 pm (UTC)
ROTFLM-F-AO!!!

I can't believe everyone forgets the f-word. Thats like going on your honeymoon and forgeting your wife.
Hoc Est Qui Sumus: Devourdiscoflamingo on January 28th, 2004 03:29 pm (UTC)
Really, I just read your comment and waited for your wife to show up and just write:

Hey!

but somehow it didn't happen.
King of the Voidabaddonx99 on January 28th, 2004 02:00 pm (UTC)
Thank you for articulating every hate I have about people on LJ
Oh Doc. I love you forever and ever, Amen.
Hoc Est Qui Sumus: Devourdiscoflamingo on January 28th, 2004 03:26 pm (UTC)
World without end, brother. World without end.
nettnessbondchick_nett on January 28th, 2004 02:48 pm (UTC)
Nobody winks and grins and hugs and smiles that much in real life.

I do.
Hoc Est Qui Sumusdiscoflamingo on January 28th, 2004 03:10 pm (UTC)
But it doesn't annoy me when you do it.
(no subject) - bondchick_nett on January 28th, 2004 03:19 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - discoflamingo on January 28th, 2004 03:26 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - discoflamingo on January 28th, 2004 03:38 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - bondchick_nett on January 28th, 2004 03:46 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Re: - discoflamingo on January 29th, 2004 07:39 am (UTC) (Expand)
Re: - bondchick_nett on January 29th, 2004 02:27 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Do You Wanna Be Free or You Wanna Be Right?malcubed on January 28th, 2004 03:02 pm (UTC)
Re: #1. Touchy, aren't we?
Re: #2:
10 Poopy!
20 Poopy!
30 Poopy!
40 GOTO 10
Re: #3. I point to Exhibit A, a healthy list detailing the number of times I have casually stated in human vocal conversation, "IIRC," or began a sentence with "Imho," or even stated out loud, "semi-colon end quantity."
Re: #4. Nobody winks and grins and hugs and smiles that much in real life.
Yes. Yes, they do. Unless they are punctuating every single sentence with a wink or a hug, they really do. People smile and grin a lot. There are many people that I average two hugs per instance of encountering them in the real world. Should I make sure to include as many hugs in real conversation, in order to best maintain the Golden Ratio enforced by the Discoflamingo Proportion of Action in Conversation Act of 2004?
Re: #5. Can't say as I care one way or the other. I shall file that under, in the eternal words of John D. Fitzgerald, "Haw."
Re: #6. I point to exhibit B, a long series of endless conversations in which I have discussed my apathy in following any set of rules that were canonized less than 200 years ago (or indeed, more than) purely so that Daniel Webster could get laid (although if that were his true motivation, I may have had more respect for the work). The English language has been codified for what? 15-20% of its existence in its relatively modern incarnation? Fuck me, I don't fucking care.
Re: #7. Fuck me, I ran out! Shit! You know what bugs me? People who bitch about what bugs them.
Hoc Est Qui Sumusdiscoflamingo on January 28th, 2004 03:13 pm (UTC)
You know what bugs me? People who are bugged by people who write about things that bug them!

So the question really is . . . bug - is it cool, or is it whack?
(no subject) - discoflamingo on January 30th, 2004 07:27 am (UTC) (Expand)
Doomutilitygeek on January 28th, 2004 03:05 pm (UTC)
But...but...
that was like the sandwitch i hadd for lunch...lots of cheese but it made me happy...was super yummy in the tummy...LOL...oh, well
I almost didn't post anything, but then I changed my mind....nevermind.
::types::
this message are brot too you by the letter R, the number pi, and our prescident's No Childrens Left beHiND prOgrAm.

--utilitygeek aka doom aka teh k00135t d00d

Damn. Sorry, but that was just way too much fun.
Hoc Est Qui Sumus: Totally Ferretdiscoflamingo on January 28th, 2004 03:15 pm (UTC)
OMG U R TEH K3Wl35T <3!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yeah, I got nothing. You saw the line, and you insisted in pissing on it.
Re: OMG U R TEH K3Wl35T <3!!!!!!!!!!!!! - utilitygeek on January 28th, 2004 03:24 pm (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - discoflamingo on January 28th, 2004 03:27 pm (UTC) (Expand)
masui on January 28th, 2004 06:53 pm (UTC)
A mighty huzzah to you oh my brother.

The combination of those wretched attributes make for tedius reading.

I scrolled back a bit through my own blog and I am pleased to related there is a dearth of verbal idiocy. Well, actually, there is quite a lot of idiocy, verbal and otherwise, but none are of the ilk you have outlined.

I think it's pretty much a good idea to post things that aren't irritating or boring as fuck. If you want people to actually read it, that is.
masui on January 28th, 2004 06:54 pm (UTC)
oh I love my Japanese English!

make + s

and

related - d

= Tadashii!
(no subject) - masui on January 28th, 2004 06:55 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Idiocy - is it cool, or is it whack? - discoflamingo on January 29th, 2004 08:40 am (UTC) (Expand)
it's the new black. - masui on January 29th, 2004 07:57 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Dude - that's totally jerking! - discoflamingo on January 30th, 2004 07:29 am (UTC) (Expand)
ninja in the shadows: samus_aranseiryu_16 on January 28th, 2004 08:39 pm (UTC)
Someone once told me that in my writing, I tended to italicise too many things: "they don't need so much emphasis," the critic insisted. While often this can be the case, just as often, things without emphasis can become overly ambigious and confusing. Before I started actively allowing myself to insert "::" actions in my writing, more than one person got on my case for an imagined slight, something they had taken the wrong way for whatever reason. When people tend to view the verbose as toadying, and the simple as hurtful, I've found more than a few times that just a ::sheepish smile:: can help clarify things and lighten the mood.

Doc, I know you're being partly humorous here, but honestly, more than a few people will take this seriously, and be hurt by it. I feel compelled to explain myself, where I shouldn't have to: it is, after all, my own blog in which I am writing these things, or the occasional comment in another's journal that has been deliberately left open for such purposes. I appreciate the fact that you read my journal, as I do yours (because I like finding out what's going on in your life, and like your writings muchly). And you know me, know how hyperactive I am, how much I express things physically.

It's odd that for as much of a writer as I consider myself, I admit the partial failure of language in my own example for not allowing me to express what I want to. When people read what I've written, maybe they hear me speaking it: probably not. But when they see ::smile::, it's my hope they at least partially imagine me smiling, or winking, or whatever: interacting with them mentally, telling them how to take the comment or post or joke or whatever. Something. And if that seems a bit of a silly thing to you, that's okay: it's just my silly thing, my way, and it comes with the territory. I haven't asked anyone else to start adding actions, I'm not going about recuiting people.

And goddammit, if I can't ::backflip out a window like a muthafuckin' NINJA:: in LJ, Doc, where the fuck can I do that?! And saying ::sigh:: as an action seems better than typing it out like a word. Sigh. As I am now.
(Anonymous) on January 28th, 2004 11:17 pm (UTC)
Goddamn right.
If you can't ::backflip out a window like a muthafuckin' NINJA:: in LJ, I mean, that ain't how it should go down. That's like telling a bird not to fly, a fish not to swim, a ninja not to backflip out a muthafuckin' window.
And honestly, all joking aside, that just ain't right.
But when used to be all cutesy, and not in the natural, adorable, hyperactive manner which is perfectly acceptable, it's a travesty.
I can let slide leet-speak, but "lol" or "rofl" in real life is punch-to-the-throat. More obscure chat-talk brought to the land of audio, it's just confusion in any case.
We Cool? Yeah, we cool. - seiryu_16 on January 29th, 2004 02:09 pm (UTC) (Expand)
Lady of the Greengreen_truth on January 29th, 2004 10:30 am (UTC)
Not in fact a response about blogs (A word I find funny anyhow)
Care to try the getting together thing again sometime soon?
Let me know what sort of days and times might work for you. Right now I am still 8-4:30 at Mac M-F and Borders Sundays 10:30-6-ish.
Hoc Est Qui Sumusdiscoflamingo on January 29th, 2004 10:53 am (UTC)
Re: Not in fact a response about blogs (A word I find funny anyhow)
I'm still 9:00-5:30, M-F, Thursdays are game, and other days are open depending on random stuff. Leave me a message on the cell when you know when a good time is, or you'll be near a phone for a while (which is mostly why I couldn't get in touch with you last time).
(no subject) - discoflamingo on February 2nd, 2004 07:35 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - green_truth on February 2nd, 2004 09:56 am (UTC) (Expand)
Re: - discoflamingo on February 2nd, 2004 10:24 am (UTC) (Expand)
Re: - green_truth on February 2nd, 2004 02:20 pm (UTC) (Expand)